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He says we'll see each other later in life so nonchalantly as if without a second thought or as if he had thought about it before and had already drawn his own conclusions. I'm not a certain as he is; and universe knows the whole truth is that I'm not certain I'm not certain that want to be....but that I love him more than he loves himself in an identical but separate unquestionably way. Such was life for us in these in-between days; the same place we met.

Perhaps the place we part.

I doubt it though
no matter any of his faults he holds my love as precious to him. His heart knows mine as if they're connected sans time.

Plus he's the one who actually fucked me right way back on my wedding night...and still stiffens each time he is near.

In retrospect that is worth more than I ever thought or felt / knew to assign value to.

Ah love. Such a crazy fucked up thing are you; and whatever would life be without you.


Sep. 13th, 2013

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

Sep. 12th, 2013

Lisa Bobisa
August 26 at 1:54pm near Oakland ·
As I move towards closing down this chapter of my life as I knew it and shared minute portions it with you my facebook friends I want you to please know nothing I put on facebook is about you unless I implicitly tagged you. And I don't say that to be a jerk or edgy or anything; I say that to raise general awareness of the separation/isolation from each other facebook actually has even while appearing to have the opposite effect. It brings out the showboat in all of us and as an individual who has had access to online forums since modems were still connected to telephones connected to the land...I am an expert. So anything I say about online interrelation can be taken as expert opinion. The fact that I capitalized all my words, paid attention to my sentence structure or any other such detail oriented way to marginalize my thinking does not mean anything more than the fact that I was educated within a colonial educational system that teaches its students to seek approval for such minute things. ee cummings may not be a super hero but he was a super critical thinker. I also wanted to be clear that I do want to continue this discussion, both with those of you I know "IRL" now and in the future... and those of you I do not. As I examine how this transition really plays out you can likely anticipate more of this type of atypical facebook status update from me however as "writing more so everyone will stfu" is a large part of my new chapter in life, I feel I will eventually formalize and perhaps even capitalize off these abilities I have and do not always choose to use. I think I will likely set up a formal blog where I can perhaps help fund my journey to seek refuge with pema chodran and from life as a fat radical ally of any who ask queer femme ungendered switch verse hella hipster activist of awesomeness and it all in oakland to that quiet version of me who exists in the future in Nova Scotia and still scares the living daylights out of me. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BE QUIET YOU MEAN THIS IS NOT QUIET WHAT DID YOU SAY I COULD NOT HEAR YOU OVER MY OWN MIND shit is that a run on sentence up there what is ....


I need to get back to the planning board of the mind (and eat some lunch) that said, this prayer by Thich Nhat-Hanh involves you facebook. I need to figure out if this means I am becoming a buddhist because honestly as a lifelong agnostic who has recently become very aware she is deeply spiritual and always has been "picking a team" makes me uncomfortable and I need to figure this part out as my inner Montessorian is telling me is so And were there a way for me to tag each of you individually with less than 1000 keystrokes I promise you I would. In the meantime no matter your spiritual beliefs please let this prayer from someone who has done more for world peace than we can ever properly thank him for fill your day with more interconnectedness on a tangible level not just the current Candy Crush Saga level *wink wink* and perhaps a thought or two about why someone like me would choose to seek out refuse with someone like her in a world like this. I mean if you like and when you get a chance or whatever.

I love you all.

(And some more than others, yes... I am looking at you ♥)


At the foot of the Bodhi tree, beautifully seated, peaceful and smiling,
the living source of understanding and compassion, to the Buddha I go for refuge.
The path of mindful living, leading to healing, joy, and enlightenment,
the way of peace, to the Dhamma I go for refuge.
The loving and supportive community of practice, realizing harmony, awareness, and liberation,
to the Sangha I go for refuge.
I am aware that the Three Gems are within my heart, I vow to realize them.
I vow to practice mindful breathing and smiling, looking deeply into things.
I vow to understand living beings and their suffering, to cultivate compassion and loving kindness,
and to practice joy and equanimity.
I vow to offer joy to one person in the morning and to help relieve the grief of one person in the afternoon.
I vow to live simply and sanely, content with just a few possessions, and to keep my body healthy.
I vow to let go of all worry and anxiety in order to be light and free.
I am aware that I owe so much to my parents, teachers, friends and all beings.
I vow to be worthy of their trust, to practice wholeheartedly,
so that understanding and compassion will flower,
and I can help living beings be free from their suffering.
May the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha support my efforts.

Apr. 27th, 2013

free., married
i would honestly be more surprised ( esp. re: the nyt but after that hip-hop/cca /creation of gangsta rap to circumvent the 13th amendment and keep the prisons ful blog they put out on the one blog i read with the same regularity as my own. loll.) had i not just really really remembered that just because monopoly's were outlawed that it does not mean the people who write said laws feel any fucking need to follow them.. .and 90% of all major media being owned by *6* companies only means corporate culture standards prevail not the "lofty" standards most of these journalists studied in their colleges....but how many industries does that happen in? oh right, almost all of them. when greed is promoted over compassion they need to take the hard sell line, get people to buy into their own cognitive dissonance so their whole house of bullshit does not fall apart. i do have to hand it to them though, i thought i was good at rationalizing but real talk they are the worlds most convoluted mentally ill rationalizing delusional-ists there must have ever been ....even verses say napolean or rome right before its fall in the clutches of hedonism.... sigh. my point is that these days journalistic integrity goes against the corporate culture any main stream media source's consultants try to keep embedded in theirsubject/employees psyche's and MERELY HAVING IT, (let alone displaying it) is an act of courage these days.i know you know i am intelligent in a well-rounded manner and not just some tin foil hat mentally ill conspiracy theorist.... even though that image is something they promote as well lol. like i am sure you saw it in the legal field since the results of this bullshit culture sullying something that should have been kept more pure... and say for example "the thin blue line" is a corporate culture that is easy to parse for people who don't usually think outside of the concept of how humanity and goverment etc etc work fed to them at state sponsored school ie brought up in the system as a part of subscribing to said systems--- dirty cops invoke anger even in the most staunch republican but people can easily see how cops having cops backs makes that an fraternal type environment. NOT TO MENTION (since i am on a roll lol) the fact that they use such a loaded and visually evocative words like whistleblower or CORPORATE TURNCOAT with the quiet shame type condemnation is "in your face blowing a whistle" proof of their only strategy is to keep people in a constant state of fear in order to have the advange. fear mongering cheaters! who the fuck wants to win like that!! dorks. ONE THE BRIGHT SIDE (because life cannot be ALL as result of some worried about being small- dicked esp. whilst circle jerking with their old boys club peers who really should instead be hugging because it seems that they are all seething on the inside about how their mommys never hugged them AND THEY ARE ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING which is really sad since i bet they would be less uptight and sad and more generous if they had a release however most of them still most likely need to discover and probably never will the magic of their prostate gland but since their type created the institution of homophobia and how to get everyone to internalize it not just the gay folks so instead of engaging in healthy and fun older dude sex with a partner of their choosing once again they fucked themselves over Literally which leads to them being uptight-- which leads to institutuions such as big pharma and viagra and oh snap i digress. i am such a dirty old poor dude. lol. lololol.) le sigh. i am rantng but this is always the kind of week/time that makes me rant. like 9/11. the type of week when laws robbing me of something i am actually entitled to as a human first and a (non-native but born here ) american second -- my right to be me. laws that are far too well written and cited for those self deluding douchebags to have actually done it overnight, for this to have what i lack-- forsight. imagine the irony of the boston marathon TERRORIST ATTACK on the day when the CIA was supposed to have a tlive action drill of a "bomb event" in a major city as proven by verifale members of the hactivist group ANON and all of america's being wigged the fuck out by the drama that the media creates to examine anything besides where the person responible is when who they really should be looking at is the men who built such a society and question their intent and integrity and morals since that is what they manipulate on a meta level in order to have created such a sad, narrow viewed "public" during a major event and everyone is too buisywhen it is really apparent how snowed people are... that it is still after all these years something that draws admonishment to know this and to NOT be contrite and properly mortified and terrorized THE PROXIMITY OMG THEY DID IT TO US OMG OMG OMG and then like the oil spill after 9/11 diverted attention while they robbed us of our civil rights... in this day and age, no matter your learning abilites or skill sets that we are so overloaded with information that no one can claim utter ignorance but i just do not understand how the importance of developping that ability to think critically even if just to prove yourself right. and i guess that is why i am still typing about this all these years later just with more information and the same shakey lack of forthought or editiing but the feeling in my gut (that science has proven) that even if i am one of a minor minorirty that any other way of parsing it is akin to cheating at solitare. what i mean is even if someone is not as radical as me, or as liberal as you... no matter factors such as age race creed or political leaning ( hey now even a lot of hard core NRA dudes love nature like whoa and in front of their brohs and oh right in the end we all bleed red even though this is not a post racial america and it is uncomfortable and part of me just wants to be lazy and not give a shit but sadly it never works then i start dialouges in my head with the public at large because i am not THAT smart so they cannot be THAT stupid and it makes me want to get out my pointy teacher finger and distract them as i grab their shoulders and shake the shit out of them as i scream FUCKING WAKE UP THEY ARE KILLING HELLA MORE PEOPLE EVERY FUCKING DAY THAN HAVE EVER BEEN KILLED "on our soil" AND WITH LITTLE REMOTE CONTROL AIRPLANES LIKE YOU KNOW SOME RICH SPOILED KID HAD TO THINK UP AND HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOTHEY HAVE BEEN INDISCRIMINATELY KILLING PEOPLE FOR PROFIT NOT EVEN AA "ABLE TO PROVE" REASON OUTSIDE OF "the MIC exists to further the goals of the kyriarchy" and have SINCE VIETNAM, since korea... since european "explorers" came and stole tribal land due power hungry pagen worshiping ground usurping kyriarch of the then having DEEEEEP theoretical arguments about which versions of a vengeful fairy in the sky was THE MOST RIGHT AND and such making a pact to engage in cognative dissonce together as they concurretly engaged in genocide and ohhhhhhhhhhh they are uptight fans of THAT SORT OF SELF FUCKING ONES OWN SELF OVER FULLING PROPHOCY which while self clowning over sad of course IS ironic. like i hate planning too, take the structure of this rant, i am sure i am going to have to do my 2nd least farvorite thing when i finaly get this out of my system which is edit and if my lazy, dyslexic, not welll educated by prestigious university's fat queer femail ass can see that about life they why can't they? they are the ENTILED ones, i am not saying take away all their toys... i just want them to see the urge to have them stems from, their framework but depite being a goodwork so hard to make people feel like they need thoose toys and to be rich and greed and selfish in order to be good citizens of the deep god pilgrim dudes who camne over and has some pretty sure ideas and said we all got to buy into those ideas...their concepts, their monetary sywhy i don't get why it is still going on and my most sane arguement against being victimized by a victim of the military industrial complex, i already solved that after getting out of the prision industrial complex but hey i aAND THE REASON IT IS HARD FOR YOU TO SEE IT IS BECAUSE PERHAPS YOUR FATHER WAS ALSO A PTSD'D OUT SOILDER OR IF NOT A STIGMATIZED DRAFT DODGER IN THE MOST HATED WAR IN HISTORY AT THAT POINT (and most people still shake their heads when vietnam is brought up) AT A MORE SIMPLISTIC LESS STYLIZED AND SNEAKY BUT NOT ONE IOTA LESS EVILMOMENT IN TIME WHEN PERHAPS TYPING IN ALL CAPS WAS ONE OF THE LESS SUBTLE METHODS THE KYRIARCHY AND THE PEOPLE THEY CON INTO THINKING LIKE THEM IN ORDER TO MOLD SOCIETY AND IMPRESS HOW POWERFUL AND RICH AND fucking ENTITLED TO HOARD 95% of our "collective wealth" which are really just numbers on a screen at this point and at this point perhaps i can stop yelling and the person w TO THINK WITHIN THEIR SYESTEMS....even with well paid scientists and yes men this level of convoluted self loathing institutionalizing take a lot of time, people are not born that fucked up that is for sure. i know that it feels uncomfortable to me to feel tired of the outrage of my fellow citizens when things happen "close to home" and their inability to see that "we" so much worse to so many other placesand not share my i mean i find refuge in the fact that people like you can raise people like me (virgo/aries, more moderate politics/more radical politics but just fundamentally good people with big hearts) and go through all we have and both learn and learn how to cope better as a result-- we are not THAT special, that is human natuer when not terrorized by the kyriarch, that is spending time in nature; being maternal; being curious and a teacher the same though pattern but a little back to journalistic integrity or judges who despite not personally supporting a law following it because they believe in the core idea--- the purity that insures that of course there will always be people focused more on perfecting the art of their industry and not even noticing "the man" and h are far too busyis ill thought out "master plan" to die with the most disparging amount of weatlth in the entire history of humankind because they finding their own panacea that way... oh right and couragagous people who are more on the side of nature and not being earth raping dicks then they are on the side of awkward stright rich "has mommy issues" white men's nuerotic post capatialistic society because like SCIENCE and NOT BEING DELUSIONAL and NOT BEING A DICK and just because being nice feels good---whoa. who would have thought something i already knew (did you watch that youtuve i posted the other day called "the lobbiests") and that you had a hand in creating could still get worked up these days... oh wait. right. anyone who knows me. lol. (see also:
unable to deal with the sad lack of absurdity of the new york times falling "victim" to their corporate culture after seeing an article Julie Delio posted about something shady and fucking underhanded some man did for some greedy persuit in the accident a terrorist did not cause so it got covered less in texas even though it was just as tragic and scary as the contrived happenings in boston i feel as if i am left with no other choice then to engage in the theatre of the absurd. i mean rape culture is absurd, the kyriarch and their ability to still fucking snow over americans to this day is also pretty fucking absurd, but this dude... this "politician"?? now he is the lead in this sponsored by the koch brothers and brought to you by cogniative dissonce productions level of absurd. i challange you to a duel weird kyriarch motherfucker. you me and the ghost of hunter s tompson. COME AT ME BRO
free., married
there is so much i want to talk about and so little actual motivation to journal or write more these days as i revel in the actual growth and process rather than mire myself down in a scant obsession to record all the details. the urge is innate and not yet totally passed that said when i get like this and i start to write in my head the shit i say these days is fucking insightful and intense... i am even impressing myself these days and critical reading skills and judgmental yet insightful and conscice comprehensions are abilities i am currently an industry level setter in. ask someone.

that said, getting mered with shane was probably damn near the smartest fucking move of my life. i have far outdone myself this time in my selection process and ability to have dumb fucking luck in love because "my best self" would have done already overthought herself into fucking this up somehow.

i wonder how i can get elder_quakers to quit acting like a big fucking baby or a dickhead boy or mentally ill individual living near far too many other incompatibly mentally ill types to pay attention to me long enough to let me tell his dumb ass i want his sperm because he is the last cisgendered male on the planet who also fucked divadolly and anyone who was actually alive and FRIENDS or EVEN MET us knew that wonderful mama would be all up in this futurebaby superhero future and her legecy alone is part of WHY futurebaby has the (damn near already actualized) potential to be a motherfucking super hero. anyway i need to talk to you dylan. please thank you and um yeah anyway.

in other juicy thought of lj's past news, i should go check weev's journal since even though i have mixed feelings on weev and his antics, i actually care about all humans and hope that andrew gets something out of prison that teaches him as many next level lessons about life because the more actualized and improved fuckups coming out of fucked up institutions like the PIC the faster such fucked up insitions shall fall. mark my words.

that said just to really smite some of the respect for the less0ns you boys have taught me re: the www i am so going old skool and making this post public.

what. never forget your roots.


this guy is a statue.
anything good is friends only, if you would like to be my lj friend please comment and i will consider it. thanks!

Mar. 4th, 2012


it was super cute, in his way.
"no, no yr right. u don't hoarde. u have little stashes and they are important to you. it is a rock from him or some seaweed from her and some stone from a magic sunset and it is just yr stuff"

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Jan. 23rd, 2012

free., married
Beauty is this word that is often thrown around conditionally.

It’s another category that can sometimes feel esoteric. To me, beauty is a celebration of everything in our lives- even the stuff that we shove deep down in hopes of never seeing that “ugliness” again- it’s the organic substance that fuels our gorgeous smile, and breathtaking laugh. Beauty in its rawness can’t be faked.

1. You are beautiful when you are afraid to do something, and you do it anyway.

2. If you have been to hell and back, your resilience is beautiful.

3. Beauty is a daring action. One that is built on your authentic intention instead of being attached to the outcome.

4. Asking questions—especially “why?”—is always beautiful. Why? Because curiosity is beautiful.

5. If you can string words together into a sentence, and you’re brave enough to let someone else read it, that’s beautiful.

6. Flat stomachs are beautiful, absolutely, but big, soft bellies are beautiful, too.

7. It is beautiful to speak another language. It is beautiful to try.

8. Beauty is putting paint on canvas, or strumming a guitar, or capturing a stunning moment in a picture, or dancing with your eyes closed.

9. Creating is always beautiful.

10. Your eyes are beautiful. Nobody else has eyes like yours. They are deep and authentic and instantly recognizable.

11. Beauty is being brave enough to embrace your feelings- the good, the bad, and the ugly. To open yourself to the possibility that there is something magnificent there.

12. Remember the time your best friend called you crying? Because only your voice could calm her down? That was beautiful.

13. Beauty is laughing so hard your stomach hurts and you’re yelling, “Stop! Seriously, I’m peeing!” Yes. Peeing your pants can be beautiful.

14. Beauty is not letting ignorance be mistaken for truth. Even if you’re the one in the dark.

15. Beauty is calling someone out for saying something hurtful, even if you weren’t the one getting hurt.

16. Your legs are beautiful. No, really. They are. Admire the curve of your calves, the muscles in your thighs, the peaks and valleys of your knee.

17. Letting go of a toxic relationship? Ah, what a beautiful relief!

18. You are beautiful when you rock out so hard at a concert that your neck is sore the next day.

19. Intelligence is beautiful.

20. Humor. There is nothing more beautiful than laughter.

21. Compassion is very, very beautiful.

22. Beauty is wearing an outfit so fierce that when people compliment you on it you say, “I know, right?” and then, “Oh, I mean, thank you.”

23. Strong opinions are beautiful.

24. Respecting other people’s strong opinions is beautiful too.

25. Beauty is your hometown, whether you love it or hate it, because it helped shape you who you are.

26. Beauty is telling a joke only you think is funny and laughing so hard nobody can hear the punchline.

27. Walking away from a relationship –Platonic or romantic because you know its the only way to truly love them is to stop trying to change them, and let them be who they are. That is most beautiful.

28. Deep breaths are beautiful.

29. Listening is beautiful. Choosing to respond instead of react- even if you don’t want to hear it- trusting that there is always something valuable in someone else’s words.

30. Your bare face in the morning is beautiful. Ask the people that love you. It’s true.

31. The way our bodies tell the truth—we blush when we are attracted to someone, we blink twice when we lie, we get sick when we’re pushing our mental limits—is beautiful.

32. Having faith in someone else’s word, because we know we’ve been true to our own. That is beautiful.

33. Beauty is being comfortable enough with someone else to be silent. As the character Sherry Anne in the movie Best In Show put it, “We could talk or not talk forever and still find things to not talk about.”

34. Beauty is being able to walk gracefully in high heels.

35. Beauty is digging your bare feet into the sand.

36. Beauty is sitting very still with your thoughts.

37. It is beautiful to find the strength to ask for help when you need it. No matter how successful you are. We all feel like we’re drowning sometimes, and we would all be glad to pull you from the rapids.

38. Beauty is loving your pet as much as they love you.

39. Beauty is a fresh flower in your hair.

40. The physical remnants of our life experiences—stretch marks, scars, wrinkles, and sun spots—are beautiful.

41. Wisdom is beautiful.

42. Humility is beautiful.

43. Beauty is the sweaty satisfaction of a hard workout- moving your body in the way it was meant to.

44. It is beautiful to finally tell someone your secret.

45. It is beautiful to turn the worst night into the funniest story- the ability to see the humor in the darker, sometimes neglected parts of our life.

46. Beauty is being able to truly enjoy the food you eat.

47. It is beautiful to be grateful to all the strong people who came before you: the ones who raised you, the ones who fought for your rights, the ones who were burned at the stake because they were too powerful.

48. Giving birth is beautiful. (Messy, but beautiful.) Rebirth- as many times as necessary- is also beautiful.

49. Freedom is beautiful. You are free to fill your life with the things that make you happy. You have a choice.

50. Happiness is beautiful. Never be ashamed of being happy.



i surround myself with friends who are better than me in social relations and well, everything....who embody traits i wish to instill inmyself, who are brilliant in ways that often confuse me and challenge me. i love people and talking often to my own detriment and would not be the person i am today without my abject luck in finding amazing friends and taking the time and energy to be in life. social networking has its (examined) place and really i get why ppl don't "like" ppl but the more tender underbelly you are willing to show the more love mercy and generosity you get.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.